Is lacking everything I can think of, the day is sunny but so cloudy in my eyes. How did I ended up this way? I've become weaker and tired, I rarely think about my dreams and wishes, I've become a robot.
Why? Why do I only think of a past that's already finished. A dream that can't come back to life?
Everyday I wonder: How do I satisfy everyone's expectations of me? How do I help everyone with everything? How do I become a better daughter? What do I do to have a better face, hair, and body? How much should I eat a meal? How much should I workout? How long do I stay here, how long do I leave? How much should I do? Should I even do it? WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?
I'm tired, exhausted, my brain doesn't stop thinking of all the things I'm not doing, I'm suffocated, I don't feel like nothing because I can't feel enough of a human being.
Why? Why? What am I supposed to do? I don't want this, I don't want that either I just want to be appreciated and less judged, I just want to live without feeling the guilt of living.
And then we come to the realization that this is only momentarily, the moment where people live can go by so fast. I have this fear of losing the most important people in my life. It's such a strong fear that sometimes I don't want to be away from anyone at any given time.
You know mom, I wish I could give you everything, I wish I could publish your music so you can do live shows like you used to, I know how much your music means to you and I wish I could make all your dreams come true.
I also wish your arm wouldn't hurt, I wish you could feel no pain, I wish I could do anything for you but in order for that to happen I need to stop wishing. I wish I could listen to your signing without crying, but I can't help it, you sing so beautiful.
You know, I want to make you proud, I just don't know how because you're always proud of me.To the ones close to me, I wish I knew what I do wrong so that you could like me more, I feel like I'm always doing something bad, something that bothers you so I stay quiet about most things.
If only I knew what to do, is it getting a job? Getting an education? Moving on?
I do everything I'm capable of, even reaping a dead chicken apart for you, even if it hurts me deep inside, but I still do it because I want you to be happy. I know you work hard, I know your life is stressful. And personally, I try my best so it's better for you, but I feel like I fuck up so much even when I try to minimize my existence so my presence isn't as noticeable as when I'm away. Sadly, I'm still here, wondering what I can do for you, so you can like me more.
I'm tired of watching so many inspirational videos of successful people. Success, life stories of people who achieved so many things and had so many hardships. Will I ever even become successful at something?
How can I become successful when all I think of is fulfilling everyone's wishes of me?
There's a cup of coffee, and there's another one.
They're both coffee but one tastes sweeter and one tastes darker.
They're black, aromatic, warm.
Sadly, one makes you smile and one makes you gag.
One needs sugar, one doesn't.
One is good, one is bad...
