Animal

I'm an animal I want to eat you up.

Feels like a carnivore but i just want you.

My hands are bleeding.

I've done too much for you.

I'm still sitting under a table

Waiting for your caress.

I let the water pour

All over my head.

I wish I could feel something

But I already forgot.

I'm a selfish body

Running from you.

Hiding from you, mesmerizing your touch.

Screaming for your love.

I'm just an animal,

I'm just myself.

The snow is covering my naked feet.

I wish the pain would stop.

But I cry and laugh at the same time.

My pen runs out of ink

Now i'm writing with my blood.

I'm still here, lying on the floor.

The electric waves are shocking me every time I breathe.

The fire warms my soul

It unfreezes my heart.

It turns me blind.

I'm still an animal, no matter how much I speak

No matter how much I try, Now matter how long I wait...

I'm still an animal.

I can't see

I can't see, I can't see, I can't see

The sky is raining blood

The walkways turn from pure white to dark red.

My vision fades away,

But then...

I see your feet wet,

The dress you met me with was ripped apart with claws that can no longer feel,

The pain we were both in,

sinks in, I can no longer...

The rain stops I can now see your eyes looking at me.

(I cannot say a word, I can not feel your love)

The line that separates us both is invisible yet strong.

I want to disappear,

I want to fly away from you.

I can't feel, I can't feel, I can't feel.

The sun is drying out

People fight, scream, and then fight again

They want to run away, from this hell.

The moon is shinning,

The clouds disappear,

and you are just standing like a dead automobile.

As you look into the sky,

you see,

a shooting star.

The rain stops I can now see your eyes looking at me.

(I cannot say a word, I can not feel your love)

The line that separates us both is invisible yet strong.

I want to disappear,

I want to fly away from you

I want to run away from...

I want to die only for you.

For the way I live

I'm reckless, I can't fly.

I'm a nausea, who can't cry.

I'm empty, there's nothing more than my stop line.

I fail promises, just like I've failed chemistry.

I'm hatred, complaining just to complain.

I'm a river of tears that recycles and falls again.

I see life as a test with obstacles and a waste of space.

When I close my eyes, maybe, it won't be that bad.

You won't cry,

You won't remember,

You will heal

From your wasted time that counterattacks you,

From your life with me,

From the time you've wasted.

And you won't know I'm gone.

You won't know that I'm...

Crushes...

Waking up you get a glimpse of last night.
You remember the faces, the drinks, the talks, the dances;
But more importantly, you remember the person you connected with the most.
The person who caught your eye,
The person you thought was cute.
And you end up thinking of that person this morning.
When you wake up.
You brush your teeth, get ready for a long day of work.
You run to the train, and check your purse for the train ticket.
You search for a seat, breathe calmly for a second,
And you begin to daydream again.
You wonder how it must feel to hold hands with that person.
How it must feel to speak to them again.
You wonder and wonder...
Then you miss your stop.
You curse, get mad, and worried.
But then.... You smile and start to think about this person's smile.
You cheer up and catch the train.
When you leave work at 6 PM you do it all over again.
You think of this person who makes you smile and feel good.
When that person doesn't even recall who you are.
You lose again.

Fermentation

Today I woke up with Mocha's paw scratching my door.
I stoof up and opened the door and Mocha jumped on my bed and slept next to me, then Rusty came and slept on my feets. Maybe they knew I was sick and that my day was going to be one of the worst.
It was one of the worst related to body pain.
I woke up at around 10 am and went to the bathroom like a normal person does.
I sat down on the toilet and did my stuff, but then i started to throw up and had diarrhea.
This happened from 10 am to 12 pm. Holy mother! When It calmed down.. I got my period.
What's a motherfucking day of mine.
After that I went to bed and fell asleep listening to Tracy's neighbor's dogs barking like freaks.
Mocha and Rusty were downstairs so i slept just with her,
When I woke up, i ran to the toilet and threw up again.
I got cramps 10 minutes later so I took a Motrin.
Then my dear mother came and made me soup, I drank the soup and watched the movie Tracy got me from Taiwan: "Candy Rain" with my mother next to me.
Oh my, after that my cramps got worse, i couldn't stand up, i couldn't think or see perfectly.
When I stood up I almost fainted, I felt like my vision was blurry and i suddendly became warm out of nowhere, oh and my head... It was like I was going to fall anytime.
SO i kept sitting down on the floor talking to my mother.
After many hours of pain, I went upstairs and took a bath.
I won't lie, it made me feel very good and my cramps ease up a little.
But then when I was done.. Oh shit... I poo again and I threw up a pill my mother gave me.
Then I threw up even more, and more, andmore, and poo more, and more.
Until all the meatloaf i ate yesterday night was gone... flushed... in the toilet.
After that, I laid on bed, i was too weak to even hold my bottle, took weak to walk or move my hands.
So i decided to call my only hope.. my Tracy.
I spoke to her for a while, and it made me feel much better believe it or not.
"You are better than a pill..." I said to her.
"I love you."

Moderation in Star-crossing.

Today, I feel like I have been lifted a pound of extra weight off my hands.
She's finally here, and I can finally sob on the phone.
The day was cold and sunny. As soon as I woke up I received a call from her.
"I just arrived Taiwan. I'll be there in an hour." She said.
I took my running gear, and headed out the door.
I ran in the cold weather, feeling the cold cold colddd breeze pushing agaisnt my warm face.
I was breathing cold oxygen, and my bones and were weak.
While running through my city, I kept remembering how I took a picture with her in that corner, and how we held hands all the way to the movie theater, and how we ran from that street to the other one.
Memories are everywhere I go, and I know is hard to forget because they're always inside of my mind.
The sky was clear blue today, and the sun was blinding.
But the weather was still so cold, it was -7C! What a misfortune.
When I finished my running i didn't go online, instead, i took a shower and got my breakfast.
I locked up my room, satt down on my chair and turned on my laptop.
Then as soon as i logged in, she came online.
She was finally back, and I was still here.
I miss her you know?
But I don't want to say it, I don't want to show it, but is so hard...
So I went to my bed, hid inside my blankets, and started crying on her.
My build up feelings were finally free, and she kissed me and I cried.
I'm still an animal, i feel and like to be felt.
I don't know how much I can take, i don't know...
There's must be a limit, a line, but i haven't found it yet or it doesn't exist.
After my talk with her, I packed up my bags and left to New Jersey.
While passing through the Tappan Zee Bridge, I looked to my left and saw NYC, then saw my secret island.
"I want to dedicate that island to her, so whenever i miss her i can go to the Pier and remember our time together." I said while driving. "I want to go there now... But is so cold."
I drove and cried, and cried, and in some moments i was loud.
I needed it, my sobs.
When I got to Mahwah, I was so tired of everything but I had to help my second mom with the cake, and I did.
Ohhh that cake was delicious! It cheered me on!
Then I went to Sandy's for our Sunday dinner which was expectacular.
I ate Mac and Cheese with salad and Meetloaf.
Her food is the best, and that wine was the best too, but it wasn't enough.
I ate until i exploded, then Sandy gave us some Potato chips covered on chocolate! It sounded so weird, but it tasted sooooo good! I told her to give me the whole bag!
After laughing for 2 hours, we came back home and relaxed watching "The blind side."
Then later on I went upstairs and spoke to Tracy again... and again and again!
I won't forget us.
My eyes are closing now.
Good night.

Today, January 9th two thousand-ten.

I woke up in her arms feeling way more than nakedness, it was something like peace and relaxation. Is a feeling that lets you go away from your madness and tasks.
It was wonderful.
She has a gentle face that is too beautiful to understand pain.
I had given that beautiful relaxed face of hers pain already. I keep doing it even when we sleep and I can't stop it.
Knowing that it was going to be my last day to see her... I kept try to keep her as close to me like my own skin is attached to my body.
Her warmth and softness kept making me want to tear up. It was going to all leave in a few hours, it was going to disappear once again.
Then, she woke up, packed up her things, got new shoes, and sat on the back sit.
My mom started to drive, and i was feeling a big pain on my chest, I wanted to sit next to her... It was too much time to be without her.
My heart couldn't take it anymore and as soon as i saw a red light I got out of the car, then went to the back sit, held her hand and let my chest release its torment.
On my way to the airport, i kept holding her hand and making my brain remember how her fingers, nails, palm, texture, of her hand feels like.
I did record everything, even how her feet feels agaisnt mine.
Getting out of the car to go to the airport I began to feel a feeling of loneliness.
Before she came i went upstairs to the departing section and imagined how soon i was going to be back here to say goodbye. It was obvious, so i told myself that i was going to come back and I was going to cry and feel like a force of hate took my precious human away from me.
And here I was... Staring at the gate like it was that same day i came to pick her up.
I knew... It wasn't all that far away.
Tracy checked in her bags, held my hand, held me, and told me she had until 1:15 to stay with me.
However, I was 11:40 and I had to leave very soon because there was no parking for my mother to park the car.
Again, i felt desperate. I kept thinking how i could stay with her longer than I expected and had to go now...
Fuck... The pain i felt was tremendous and I still feel guilty right now. I have never expected this to happen, and it did, if i could go back in time i would have stayed with her that hour and something minutes.
I told her I had to go soon, and I kept holding her while i was waiting for my mother to show up.
I kept saying... "You don't love me... You don't love me..."
And she kept asking..."Why do you say that?... Why do you say that?"
In my head I kept hating everything, hating the world, and myself.
I then said "Because you are taking my baby away from me..."
It was selfish, but my heart kept saying "You are leaving me... You are leaving me alone again."
Alone... Alone... Alone.
When my mom showed up, i told her Tracy could stay until 1 pm but my mom said we couldn't stay. I threw my cellphone inside the car and told her to wait.
I grabbed Tracy's hand i guided her inside the airport.
"What are you doing?" she said.
"I'm taking you to the gate." I replied with my heart aching.
We stood up on the long waiting line and I kept holding her hand.
I knew it was time to go... So i held her and said:
"When are you coming back again?"
"hahaha Chinese new year?" she replied.
Chinese new Year is a year away. Once again... I knew it was going to be 1 year to see her again.
And I agreed, this is my life, and this is how it has beent he past 3 years.
I held her and gave her a kisss, looked at her eyes, then gave her another.
"Have a safe trip and i'm sure you'll come back..." I said and gave her another kiss.
Our lips separated, my body separated, my hands separated, my back turned, and I walked away to the door.
"don't turn around... Don't turn around." I kept repeating inside my head... Because if I turned around... My whole heart will explode and cry as if someone died.... Or even worse than that.
I was leaving her alone in that airport when we could have been together for more than an hour.
I felt so guilty and miserable.
I opened the car door, looked to my right and started to cry quietly next to my mother.
I could tell she was sad that I was sad because as soon as she saw my eyes she didn't say a word.
My right eye had tears falling, my lips were trembling, and my left eye was completely dry.
I didn't know i could control my eyes, but i didn't want my mother to see me cry.
MY feelings... Were so pressed agaisnt my throat, and I couldn't explode.
I couldn't explode...
I couldn't explode.
I still haven't exploded.

"Honey I'll try..
A thousand times...
For you i'll try...
A thousand times...
Say goodbye."