I'm

Hating myself too much.
I've been having insomnia and I keep sleeping too late everyday.
I'm secretly trying to deal with my life events by simply ignoring them, again.
I've done it once for too long, and it wasn't a good experience. But why am I so used to doing this to myself?
I drown my sadness trying to make others happy. How does that even make sense?
I don't allow myself to be happy sometimes, but I cheer people up while I'm not?
Stupid, I can't stop repeating how stupid I can be. Smiling when I'm sad, pretending everything is ok when it isn't.
When do I usually think about what I really want?
What do I really want? I've sank deeper in my hole, grew accustomed to it, and now it's scary to even go back.
I don't even try to give people a chance. I just judge way too much, judging their reactions and their desires.
"There's no way that person will talk to me."
"Why should I even try to know them? We're never gonna be friends"
Negating, taking away chances of things happening.

You know, I saw the wind today. It harshly pulled my hand with it, what a strong force of power.
The trees, they were moving strongly all over, how come I felt you?
Were you there with me?
I pictured your face all over the flying leaves.
But I could only see the moving clouds not letting the sun shine.
It sucks you know?
Not being able to see the sun.

Ugh... Once again, fuck you head ache, I hope you disappear, I hope you burn inside my brain and never come back again.