Loving dolls.

Today I felt the need to look into my own mental computer and search for my past.
I see myself through pictures, every year i changed, i still change every second.
I cannot go back, I can only remember.
Every picture, brings me memories from a certain time. Everything I do has a reason to be.
While going to Paramus Park, I decided to relax in the car a read a book.
The book's name is "Ishmael" by Daniel Quinn.
I turned on my radio and started listening to "Arcade Fire-No cars go."
I turned to page 6 of the book and found something I have felt, and something that happens to everyone at least one time during their life-span.
And here it goes:
"You've been in love with someone for a decade-someone who barely knows you're alive. You've done everything, tried everything to make this person see that you're a valuable, estimable person, and that your love is worth something. Then one day you open up the paper and glance at the Personals column, and there you see that your loved one has placed an ad... seeking someone worthwhile to love and be loved by."

Oh... Isn't it great to see a person's experience?
We go through stages in life, we burn them and toss them, what is worth it we recycle it.
However, they are still there, we just remember the good stuff, only the good stuff.
I came to the conclusion that loving dolls is easier than loving blood.
Dolls are beautiful, they don't talk, they don't feel...
But our minds can make them talk, our minds can make them feel cold during winter nights, our stupid minds make them miss us.
Is it so hard to find love that we need to turn to computers or love books to satisfy us?
Porn instead of sensitive body, toys instead of a blood circulating genital?
Yes, i'm disgusting, my words are disgusting, but words and the dictionary are a human creation.
And remember... 1 human represents all of us.
So we are all disgusting.

Humanity's coffin.

People change like seasons.
One day a smile with a hug.
The next day they cut you with glass.
You bleed, then heal, then bleed.
Until no more blood is left in your sadistic veins.

People cry like tsunamis.
They take with them everything.
They kill who they want and leave them to rot.
Their decaying body searching for death when is already carcass.
Destroying with tears the petals of their hearts.

People get scared like rats.
When an attack of an intruder rises, they run into every hole.
Searching for an exit, searching for the tiniest sight of life.
Unless they have a gun, if they do, they are "powerful".

In the end, a human without a weapon isn't a human.
We are simply a weak, ignorant, piece of space.
No matter where we run or hide we kill.
With every step we make, and every time we breathe.
One human represents all of us.
However, we try so hard to have a little bit of uniqueness.
When we don't have it at all.

Take me home...

I want to...
Yes... I want to do it to you.
I want to take everything off.
Every layer of lies and fears.
Until there's nothing else, but the truth.

With my fingers i'll surround you in my bed.
Take a sip of your naked neck.
Just to try it... Just to feel it agaisnt my lips.

With my arms i'll embrace you like a newborn.
Messed up in society you are.
Searching for answer that i do not have.
Messing with my head you make me yours.

I'm stupid, I don't know much.
You are my self respect.
You are what i yearn.
But then...

I'm the one naked on the bed.
I'm the one your fingers touch.
I'm the one who gets embraced.
Why do you do this to me?
Why are we playing this game?

Look into my eyes... You are mine.

And it goes on...

I cannot remember the last time I actually didn't feel stressed.
Oh wait.. That was before college began.
I have noticed that whenever I go to sleep in the beginning of college I got so used to the schedule that I would wake up everyday at 6 am(Even weekends).
I felt so much stress and anxiety I didn't know what to do.
I tried to sleep, failed, tried again and failed. I just stayed in bed for half an hour imagining pointless stuff. Then, I felt anxious again.
Lately, whenever I go to sleep, I press my teeth very hard agaisnt each other.
I don't notice I do that, but whenever I wake up my teeth are completely tight!
Then when I open my mouth.. I feel my head muscles relax.
This happens to me every time I wake up. Now i put a piece of my covers inside my mouth, that way i won't press my teeth.
Could it be stress?
I have so many things to do now. So many things to read for Journalism and Philosophy...
Tests.. Tests... Tests...
I don't feel bad about it, but i cannot lie and say that i'm not tired.
I need to relax, and not think of homework and tests.
But now... The winter is here and is cold. I don't feel like going out at all.
I want to go back to Florida! Today was snowing a little around here.
It's so weird that the snow began and is not even winter yet.
I believe that this winter will have a lot of white anorexic snow storms.
The weather and our planet is changing so fast; I can only watch and smile.
But soon enough i'll watch and cry.

Tomorrow is gone.

Maybe the situation I stand in is not the best.
My thoughts have fallen and awoken in a jar of flames.
But I cannot see what's far away from me.
Only predict, smell, and eat.
Whatever the hubris we all have in our hearts.
Whatever the victories and curiousness.
Is only us the ones that know, and them the ones that see it.

Desperation.

My eyes are closing.
i look up, the sky is dark, All I feel and see in my head are words.
Is black, and lonely inside. I see nothing, and feel nothing.
Now is red, Why is that?
Have I commited a crime?
Should I run away?
I have commited many, many, mistakes.
People who did nothing but loe me are gone.
Gone and have forgotten me.
Am I here just to make people sad?
Make people crazy and unhappy?
If that's why, then why do people smile?
My skin has goose bumps.
Am still human then, if i feel something, then I must have a heart.
I wonder what's going to happen tomy soul.
What's going to happen in the future.
Inside... I wish I could be a child... Have a normal life, and remember the childhood I never had.
What is there to do, if we are still going to die.
Even if we are rich, or happy, or smart, we will always die.
Is good, I understand now.

Clouds

Clouds are moving rapidly.
Then they let their children fall.
They fall on our faces, on our lips, on our cheeks.
Maybe they don't understand.
But we wipe them off, and move on.
Sometimes its lighter, sometimes harder.
We usually run until we find a place we can feel safe.
Sometimes we just run until we find something.
We move on.
We then cry, go out, fall down, then cry again.
Those clouds know when we'll be happy or sad.
Red like bloodshot eyes...
Hands covered in substances.
I'll make it happen.
I want to stay.

If I didn't have her...

I would send her emails everyday, just to remind myself she was there.
I would call her cellphone... Just to hear her voicemail.
I would place all her pictures near my bed... So she can see me sleep.
I would hold my hand tight when I go out... So I know her hand was holding mine.
I would cry myself to sleep... Because I know I can't live like this.
I would write her name in a piece of paper... To see how beautiful it was.
I would wear her clothes... So I can remember how she looked in them.
I would listen to her favorite songs... To hear her smile and cry.
I would walk through the places she stepped on... To feel alive.
I would scream her name in a field... So I can hear a reply.
I would tell my friends about her... So they can tell me good things about us.
I would become a walking urn of her memories...
I would donate my blood until I'm completely dried...
I would then die... To fly to her and protect her from the world.
I would...

You keep flapping.

Hello.. Little fish.
I wonder why I can't breathe.
Sometimes I wanna drown too.
But I know you'll laugh at me.

You keep flapping them flapping it.
You keep it flapping it flapping it all.
You keep me trying to breathe
with bubbles of life.

Hello... Little fish... Hello.
I want to give you something you can wear tonight.
Maybe I'm too shallow to forget.
That you are just beautiful to have something to wear.
Maybe I'm too fake too superficial.
Sometimes we all need a mirror to see.

But you keep flapping them flapping it.
You keep it flapping it flapping it all.
You keep me trying to live
with your broken fins.

You keep them flapping them flapping it.
Even though you can't resist to be left alone.
You keep flapping those broken fins.

Now my head is swimming across the dark blue sea...

Tarts.

Today is .... Tuesday.... April... Something.
Who cares!
The weather is driving me insane. I dislike rain, I dislike anything that has to do with making a beautiful day ugly and depressive.
I like sunny days, and that doesn't make me "less cool".
I wanted to talk about my weekend.
Besides taking care of my wife and making her happy!
Last Sunday I drove to NYC. It was nice, the weather was cloudy and it was the first time I found the city to be "boring".
The city is NEVER boring!
But that Sunday... It was... For the first time ever.
I walked around Mark's Place, then left to New Jersey.
I was somehow missing my wife. She's always there to either kick me or just tell me how much she misses me.
When I got to NJ, I ate salmon with salad. It was delicious!
I should have taken a picture of it. But I didn't because of obvious laziness.
Anyways, my weekend was great.
Monday was my workout day.
I exercised liked a mad-man. And today (Tuesday) I'm currently not even able to go up the stairs.
I got a 100% in a test. It was very unreal but It's true!
And now... I feel the need to go to the track and run 2 miles.
I need to be healthy to live many years.
I hope next weekend is better.
I'll begin writing more now.
I promise!
By the way... I have a big attraction towards "fruit tarts". Oh yeah... Orgasms!
"The necessity of human life is sometimes needed and sometimes wanted to end."

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