Talk Show

I have a show inside my brain, there's a main character, a sibling, a parent and a bunch of voices judging every decision the main character makes.
My brain can be characterized as a catastrophic event. I can't recall how many times I've not cared about people and how many times I thought I cared but didn't. Inside this brain of mine there's a bunch of black and red lines, too many too count. So let me start.
1. You're a criptogram, so many fucking things pass and go through you and yet you don't realize.
2. Despite all the beautiful things t hat come out of your mouth, how many of those do you really mean?
3. Jugding too much should be your god dammed job, at least now you finally have one and all those believers are your costumers.
4. Sometimes you need to listen and pay more attention, stop looking to the sky or the floor.
5. Stop resenting, move the fuck on.

Recruiters, friends, phobics and antiphobics, what am I really to you? Is there a meaningful significance to my existence?
Let go of what hurts, sometimes that's what make us stronger in the end.
Learn to forgive even if you aren't forgotten, learn to accept defeat and hate.
Stop thinking of how much of a failure you are, and how much of a help you are to others.
It's time to let go.

Sleepy People

Depressed? Yes.
Undressed? Of course.
Uncaring? You bet.
Unprofessional? No doubt.
Bad? Uhum..
Childish?
Disgusting?
Lazy?
YES YES YES!
I could be all, I could be none, for everyone I am different things but yeah why not? If people wanted me to be lazy then I should be, then they'll know what lazy really means.
I can't say that I'm tired, hell no, I'm used to it. It's a feeling of not even sadness, but something that you know it's gonna happen and you just accept it.
Blindness, we're all blind, we can't see everything because we aren't perfect. There are things we don't have, things we don't need.
Well I don't need luxury, or false looks and smiles.
Do you think it's easier or harder to show truth?
I believe it's hard to show truth and one day it'll happen.
Eventually everything breaks, everything has a turning point.
I wonder where mine is...

Pyrex

How many measurements can I do? I've used you for so many things already, and I still add a little more than necessary. Heh, I guess measurements tend to fail when I come around.
Yesterday I kept biting my nails, to the point where now I can't press my index finger on my keyboard because it hurts. I guess I'm stressed? I don't think so, I feel like my nail polisher is drawing too much attention to much nails so I feel like biting them.

Well... Let me start, first off... I'm listening to this song, you should begin listening to it now as well:
Moon.

I opened my eyes and saw a passing bird flying through my linen clothed window. The outside was filled with people walking, some running and one slow person asking for money. I saw my hands, they look the same as yesterday and I... Don't feel the same as any other day. I just am...
Waking up, getting dressed, dropping my toothbrush, looking at the clock, being late to work, running down the stairs, forgetting my phone, running back up, going down again. Closed.
"Good morning, off to work?" Said my neighbor while watering some plants.
"Yeah! Ah! Gotta run!" I replied while running on my high heels to the station.
I could see people passing me by so fast, and I... Could hardly see until.
Someone grabbed my arm. I turned.
"Why do you keep running away?" Said the voice I've been dreading to hear. "It's been years, and you always run away, you can't stop, you act like a fucking toy!" She said looking straight at my eyes.
I wanted to cry, I didn't want to see, I didn't want to breathe, but I am breathing next to you.
"Let me go, I'm late!" I said to the woman staring at me deep into my eyes. "I don't know why you thikn you have the right to do whatever you want, but you dont. Let go."
"I can't, not today." She pushed me onto her and kissed me and I felt like disappearing. The clouds started running passing each other turning the blue  sky into some type of gray. I felt a breeze through my hands and my whole body felt at ease.
This person, standing next to me, connecting her lips to mine is the reason I'm always late to work I've succeeded until today.
"I'm tired of you doing this to me, I can't think or sleep, I'm tired." She said looking at the floor. "I just wanted to say hello and good bye or just say hi... I don't know what I want... But I don't want to not be able to see you."
"I'm... Late for work... Sorry." I began to walk once again, I can't go back to that time. It was too much for me to handle, an independent type of love, one sided, submissive, distinctive, but the best love of my life: pure and connected.
All of those things were disappearing with every step I took, until I turned around, and you weren't there anymore.

Painted nails

Love, when have I ever spoken about it?
I've been asked many times what love means, and all I can say is that it's something unexplainable. It isn't dependance, it isn't control, love to me is a feeling of complete safety and care.
When you're walking down the street with that special person you feel safe anytime of the day, and even if you don't you stick it out and make them feel safe.
I've come through different situations, controlling "love" and emotions of misunderstanding. I've "loved" too much, but have I really? Were those people I've been with what love really is? Did I even try to understand love?
I doubt it, sometimes the right song or circumstance, scenery, made me say empty words. I hated that.

I've got something to say, I want to say I love you. I've said it to you many times, and I'll say it again.
I want to only say it with meaning, no empty words, no reminders. Just actions.
Am I ready to give myself in? I have already done that. Scary, but it's a decision I've come to decide on my own.

No matter how rainy, or snowy it is, I'll be there until you tell me to stop.
I'll be there until I can't physically move.
There are many leaves flowing through the sky.
They travel long distances, to you and to me.
There are many clouds flowing and passing by, to you and me.
The scent of 'you' travels along with me anywhere I go.
Even if you're here or not, I take it along.
It follows me when I don't think sometimes.
It reminds me that you're with me even when I cannot see.
And I,
Have I finally woken up?

I'm

Hating myself too much.
I've been having insomnia and I keep sleeping too late everyday.
I'm secretly trying to deal with my life events by simply ignoring them, again.
I've done it once for too long, and it wasn't a good experience. But why am I so used to doing this to myself?
I drown my sadness trying to make others happy. How does that even make sense?
I don't allow myself to be happy sometimes, but I cheer people up while I'm not?
Stupid, I can't stop repeating how stupid I can be. Smiling when I'm sad, pretending everything is ok when it isn't.
When do I usually think about what I really want?
What do I really want? I've sank deeper in my hole, grew accustomed to it, and now it's scary to even go back.
I don't even try to give people a chance. I just judge way too much, judging their reactions and their desires.
"There's no way that person will talk to me."
"Why should I even try to know them? We're never gonna be friends"
Negating, taking away chances of things happening.

You know, I saw the wind today. It harshly pulled my hand with it, what a strong force of power.
The trees, they were moving strongly all over, how come I felt you?
Were you there with me?
I pictured your face all over the flying leaves.
But I could only see the moving clouds not letting the sun shine.
It sucks you know?
Not being able to see the sun.

Ugh... Once again, fuck you head ache, I hope you disappear, I hope you burn inside my brain and never come back again.

Summer Storm

In this city there are tall buildings, people laughing or complaining, and a sense of pollution in the air. This city that is dislike by many is secretly being loved by me... But why you ask?
Because I'm a city dog, I was born in a city and raised in a city.
A deep side of me has my veins connected to the ground in this place sucking me in and dragging me back everytime.
"Rats, assholes" I keep thinking everytime something strange happens. "I wanna go for a short run, just a mile next to my house." I said to myself while putting my running pants. I know though, that i'm only saying that because I want to run more than a mile, but I'm fooling myself.
I stepped outside, the smell of rain in the air rapidly disappeared inside my nostrils. My feet began to move to the park, but I quickly turned to the right and left the park behind, went up the tall hill, then ran downtown.
"It's hard to keep running when there are so many cars and slow people, ugh!" I kept thinking on my way past BArnes and Nobles. So I sped up past some pedestrians and dogs. "It's 9:30PM, how can these streets be so full of people?!" Back In Binghamton, I don't see people most of the time, but here it's always full of humans but not the ones I want to see.
"I want to take your hand, sitting in that couch I saw your long hair, I wanted to go out I really did!" Memories came into my head:
"I walked to you, kissed you then ran screaming until you couldn't see me anymore."
"We left a note in that restaurant, yeah it was pretty funny, but was it alright for me to say we're gay?"
"During that snowy path, I kept sliding, you reached out for my hand and I kindly gave it to you, but shouldn't I be the one trying to keep you from falling? Have I become so weak I can't walk on snow? I felt a rush of disadvantage but warmness at the same time. I'm safe. I said"
"What's the menu? Hmmm... All I know it's that I'm making cookies..."
The wind was cold, kind of cold, but why were my eyes wet? Why was I feeling alone? These streets were filled with people.
I stopped running and stood motionless. I saw you in front of me, but I knew you weren't real, you were just a part of my stupid imagination. But I couldn't help to be drawn to you so I walked towards you until you disappeared.
Dammit, my mind plays mind-fucking tricks sometimes.

Atlantic

There's a place that I loved and adored
I took it's wings away
Then drowned it back home.

There are too many days
That I have wished too many things
Now I just don't wish
I've dreaded too much before.

Smelling your collar bone
Makes me shine so bright
But I know it's all a dream
I don't wanna turn this lamp off.

Your hand is pretty small
But in my eyes
They can take over the sky.

Equality is insincere
It's too perfect
To believe
And to live within.

You protect
Those unblessed ones
But you fail
When you put the good ones to shame.



Had a strange day today, too many headaches and too many words to think of. I saw people, they saw me, I got annoyed of many for looking at me. Makes no sense but sometimes I like to feel ignored than noticed, it gives me peace of mind. I personally wish people didn't see me, but at the same time I want to be reminded that I'm alive, that I actually exist.
I spoke to too many people, I texted too many people as well.
The bird that's always talking in my mind was also there, but it isn't the same when you're physically attached to imaginarily attached. I've come to the conclusion that I'm going to be in a relationship with myself like I used to. Sometimes I can't help but think that my world isn't too colorful, it isn't, but in my brain everything is colorful and sunny and in reality everything is dark and black.
My hands feel rustic, I sometimes wonder why she likes them, it'll be a mystery I know that for sure.
Aaa.... Children's cries remind me of those unlucky ones that were smacked and rejected during precious times. My parents didn't hit me, but everyone else that I tried to socialize with turned their backs on me. Eating lunch alone was one of my most hated memories, but it was the time i felt the safest in that putrid place.
Ideally, I wish I were liked by kids my age and not just by my teachers.
This is a strange entry so I'm going to stop for a bit and stop thinking about those days.

Closure

My window is wide open, just like my mind, rupturing the sky and creating forbidden lines.
My lips are dry, maybe lack of water, or my breathing is too dense.
I hear voices, the darkness in this room being lighted by both a computer screen, and the lights from the street.
I can't sleep. Wish I could speak but disturbing is not an option in this hallway.
Orange peel on my hand. What an interesting combination....
I see the sunlight, kind of, I think that's what it is or maybe it's just a light looking for me.
I want to close my eyes...
Eyes are closed? Yes.
Very good.
I see:
You, standing next to a bus.
Crossed arms, looking at me with a half smile.
What's wrong? Why are you turning your eyes towards the emptiness surrounding you?
I am currently right here..
I'm waving my hands, cant you see me?
Well, I can... You're beautiful... Everything about you is mystical, kind of strange and feels like you're inside a hurricane.
I've opened my eyes, the sunlight is getting stronger...
Closed them up again...
I see:
A beach, the sunset taking in the beauty of the land.
Why are you wearing a white dress? Are you going somewhere?
You hold my hand and smile at me.
I answer by smiling as well, we walk around te beach, sand wetness touching our dry feet.
Now there's a wave... Forming... It's huge,
Run! Run I say!
I see you pushing me with you, but I can't leave
I'm drowning.
I opened my eyes once again.... The light is not getting brighter... I close my eyes again.
I see:
You're back at that bus terminal... But you're looking at me now.
Now you move ctowards my direction with seriousness in your sight.
I don't know what to do... I dropped my bags and held you thight.
Your body, the same as alwaysm but better.
I kiss your cheeks,
Then I fall asleep.

Flames

Today, I've come to the realization that when people change their routine is as if they've change completely. Or turned into someone else.

Whenever you do something good for yourself, someone has to judge you for it. 

I own myself, this is my mind and my body.

I dislike when people act as if they know me so well.

But then one day, BAM, you get surprised when I "change".

I've changed to you because I don't laugh at the same things I used to, or do the same activities I used to.

Move on, that's life's game. The same way I become surprise, is the same way others feel when a person decides to not follow them.

Not everyone is going to follow, not everyone is going to be miserable for other people's happiness.

I'm writing, expressing, and wanting to be alone.

I want to forget the bad things that have happened to me,

I want to forget the bad experiences i've had with people.

I simply want to be free from all these annoying thoughts.

Now that I am myself, who I am, me

I feel so much happier.

You need to free yourself in order to not lose yourself.

I was losing myself,

But I gained it all back as soon as I solved my problems.

But those problems, are never solved, until you cut the chord and burn it into flames.