Compulsive Decimals

Rest, rest and rest.

So much to do, simply so much. I wonder if humans were made to have to do all of the things we are meant to do today. I've never heard of a human writing papers, or using computers, or creating chemicals that kill during the beginning of the human race.

Why the hell? Why can't I simply be a human? This isn't what we were meant to do.

Our hands weren't created to text people through phones, or to drives cars.

Now they are... We've turned into a better race... Or to compact animals with no skills except eating, walking, running, or swimming?

I don't want to do this.

Yesterday was one of those days where I didn't want to be with anyone. Yet I went out to socialize.

Yesterday was one of those days where my brain was tired of being nice and focused on people's needs.

I feel like I'm living in a movie, I'm playing a character... Where is my "me"? How do I shout out my emotions and feelings? How do I express my loneliness and happiness?

Reactions are everywhere, whenever I talk I gotta think twice because I don't want to hurt others, however... I always end up doing so. And then I begin to feel bad about what I think and what makes me happy.

I wanted to be alone, but at the same time I didn't. Maybe I'm looking for attention, for someone who will really listen without judging, someone that lets me be free and praises me for my freedom.

I don't justify myself often. I'm like a hidden book that once is opened it offends. Reactions echo behind me and in front of me. Everytime I walk, everytime I breathe... Is there, that voice that echoes that everything is wrong, that everyone suffers, that everyone is alone. That voice that expresses love, but doesn't say it.

There was only one person close to me that understood me, that never judged, that liked the way I spoke. But because of my feelings and emotions of selfishness and arrogance, I left.

Walked away...

Smiled...

Then cried.

I Always Knew...

That my fragile dreams would be broken... For you.

Today, I flip sides and swallow grenades with my eyes wide open.

Needles keep cutting my veins.

Taking away who I am, what I live for...

Just as I begin to feel better about who I am becoming I get a ticket to the reasons behind the mask that hides under my skin.

Maybe people are messengers. They deliver messages from the past to the future.

Messages that improve you, that make you worse, that decrease your life by a second.

Sometimes when I wake up I always try to step with my right foot, superstitions say that you start a lucky wonderful day if you do.

Today I felt distant, I felt as if a hole inside myself was turning into a port to a black hole.

The day was sunny, like a winter sunny day : Beautiful yet lonely.

The sound of nothingness... Winter is a season full of torments. At least that's how I feel about it. Most of the worse things that happen to me, occur during this season.

Discoveries, hatred, love, beginnings, finales, compassion, pain, recoveries....

Winter, why are you so cold? You turn me into an iceberg, a dead animal with limited happiness.

I'm special, i'm a phenomenon.

I thank you for reminding me how much of a monster I am.

I have no compassion, most of my love is momentary, I'm selfish, I'm a grudge that doesn't stop growing.

My thoughts focuses on the sky, the moon, the sun, and the wind.

My words interact with one another, causing confusion and hatred but at the same time hurting you without you noticing.

I need to be confined in a box until a brighter summer arrives.

Maybe that's why I love running. I am running away from myself, from who I was and reaching out for who I am today, this second, this creature...

I have a mind, a brain, a will to live.

Stop.

It's time to wake up...

Moon vs Sun

Open your eyes with your bleeding hands.

Observe your surroundings, smell the scent of death.

Bring your head up, don't look down into these empty lands.

The land that holds us down into a maze of needles and pain.

Catastrophe.

Walk fast, looking into the sky

The small stars that follow you every night are guiding you

To a place filled with questions and lonely remarks.

This is your heaven, smile and keep walking.

Turn around.

The sky shines bright, the sun researches the soil below your feet.

Remember the time you were born

The time you first cried

When you felt all alone in an empty hole.

That time you got betrayed.

The time someone broke you apart.

The first time you cried and smile at the same time.

The first time you felt human enough to talk.

I Can Help It....

Listening to Untitled Frysta by Sigur Ros.

I'm a square, a dot, a molecule smaller than air.

My brain occupies a big part of my body.

My nerves control my thoughts and affiliations.

Currently, my hands are shaking to the rhythm of the music.

My eyes close to the inner beatings of my heart.

Control everywhere, everything is being controlled.

Why do we have freedom if we can't free ourselves?

What is freedom anyways? Aren't we free already?

We don't have strings pulling us or telling us to stay.

We are slaves to money and commodity.

Fighting for freedom is like fighting over a dead dream.

Refugees and rich classes gather together to survive.

I can help anything around me when you are not around.

Stop being scared. Time passes by fast when you think.

Let the waters heal you with its force and resentment.

Open your mouth while you scream loud enough to make you faint.

Fall down into the earth.

Bond, commit, suicide.

Try to define what's good and bad.

The Boy Who Can't Cry

Did I ever told you the story of the boy who wanted to cry but couldn't?

His name was Hendrix, and he was only 11 years old. His skin was white as snow, and his phisique was still developing.
He was a very happy person, I never thought he would ever feel sadness in his life. Everytime he lost a pet he would always say : "Why is it that my friends at school cry when they see a dead lizard, but when I see death... I can't ever shed a tear?"
I replied : "You don't know the meaning of death and its significance to understand why is sad, that's probably why kid..."

As he grew older, Hendrix learned about science, language, and Math. He was very good at solving puzzles and mystery stories, his hobby was to design house structures and decorations.

When he turned 21, Hendrix got a Starfish from his mother June. June was an amazing woman, she was gentle and caring with her son, she was also a single mother who only devoted her life to community work. She helped in animal shelters and was a spoke person for pets in danger.
Hendrix decided to name his starfish "Sky". Everytime he came from college he would talk to Sky, see how he interacts in his habitat, and how he responded to different sounds.

On his 25th birthday, Hendrix went to South Africa to do community work as his birthday present. Hendrix stayed there for a week, helping feed homeless children and teaching them how to build houses. He loved his work, he also loved spending time with children. Hendrix brought with him a picture of his mother, and a picture of Sky. He would talk about his mother and his pet to the children, even though most of them didn't know a word he was saying.

After his week in Africa, Hendrix came back to his apartment in New York City. The morning was full of rain and strong winds. His apartment was not even dirty, it seemed like someone had cleaned it very well. Before he left to Africa he paid a maid to come clean his house and see Hendrix.

As soon as he opened his bedroom door he went to check on Sky. He noticed that his aquarium was empty and cleaned, with a note saying "Sorry about this, I'll repay the damages done to the starfish inside your aquarium, but I accidentally sprayed Windex and residues went inside, I threw away the starfish in the the toilet. Have a good day."

It was the summer of June, June 21st to be more exact. At 3:20pm, I received a call from Hendrix. I remember clearly that I was doing the dishes so I could go to the bookstore accross the street from me.
"Hello." I said.
"It's raining outside."
"Yeah, I noticed... How was your trip in Africa? Your mom is going to come over your place later."
"It was fulfilling... Nothing crazy or great."
"You sound... Are you ok? Is the weather making you uncomfortable?"
"Nah... The maid killed Sky."
"I'll call your mom right now." I said grabbing my cellphone from my nightstand.
"No... I just wanted to tell you that... It's finally raining inside my apartment."
"Huh? Is the ceiling fucked up?"
"No... Is raining in my apartment... Lucy, is raining and is rain tears are dropping on my shirt."
"I think you've learned... You've finally let the storm set into your footsteps."
"Mhmm...."

4:00 am

Hands are covering my eyes

Everything is dark and cold

My body trembles with the air surrounding me.

I can't see where I go

I can't watch any of my steps.

I'm trusting you with my unknown body

To guide me through a bed of needles.

I know I won't get hurt.

Bleeding through my emotions

Satisfaction, created by those strong needles,

Release my soul into another dimension.

That layer of lust and doubt

has grown into me

Wondering if the next day will be brighter or darker.

Wondering if I'll be able to come out of this alive.

The sun shines through your fingertips.

Sadly, my feet are gone.

And I can't walk to see the moon

That I tried to catch one time.

If You're Still There...

The place beneath the rain is warm and humid, loud and sad, small and destructive.
Newborns are destined to suffer then die.
People live in small boxes painted in black and white.
Animals fly, run, swim, and walk to later end up wrapped in plastic or in as puppets in a cage for everyone to see.
If you're still there...
You'll know how it all ends.
How our hands decay with negative emotions.
How bombs and nuclear explotions destroy the small land we believe is "ours".
If you're still there...
You'll know the time I e n d.
You'll know what I'll do that day and how it'll end.
Even though I tried to stop it
Even though I screamed and cried
Noone listens
Noone cares..
Noone minds...
Even though I sacrificed myself...
People laughed...
People were shocked...
People reacted...
But is too late now
Don't you think?
If you're still there...
Give me one last kiss
Before my duty ends
And these thunderstorms take me into their light.

Now what?

My eyes burn when I close them, I wonder if it's my body sending me signals of hatred and pain.

The texture of my skin is itching my thoughts, I wonder if i'm turning into sand.

I dislike the streets I walk on, I dislike the emotions that are being sent through the wind.

I want to block, unlock it and destroy it.... but it's too late.

The moon is brighter now.

Contradicting yourself is what I seek for

Learn to unleash your anger into my body, I want to hurt you once you do.

Despite the entities that surround you, I can fall onto you knowing that I won't fall.

I can turn around knowing that i'll cry

I'll know that tomorrow will be a brighter day for you and I.

Sit down and wait, alone or with company.

You'll still see the same sun that i'm watching.

Enjoy it, just don't go blind.

O

So... My body is alive today, my body is recycling its blood and getting rid of what nots.

And... My mind is dead; I've been drinking water and salt for the past few hours. Is there even a point for me to be in this state of mind?

The sun is out, the rays are shinning outside my window and I... I want to change.

I want to stop drowning

I want to jump high

to fall...

And then cry out loud

To simply stop and say:

I'm done.

So... My hands move freely through your naked body, wondering and rethinking ..

Lies and disruptions.

Touches that implement a type of affection that was never there to begin with.

To explain pain

To let go of selfishness

And bring something else in...

Something bigger and louder than before.

Maybe i'm a masochist, but if it's pain i'll accept it for a little bit.

Until I fall down...

To cry again...

To simply tell myself:

I'm done.

Mad World

I gotta write fast before I forget.

I'm awake, literally I've awaken.

There's nothing I can't think of because i'm not currently sleeping.

My days go by so fast I can't even count them.

I'm beginning to get tired of laughing, because I've laughed too much.

The way everything feels is different.

When I go out is my time alone, but it's not at the same time because...

You are always there.

Somehow, you are there, and i have stopped running a while ago.

I'm falling asleep, but my brain is awake, my body is tired, but my brain is awake.

I wish I could scream at the moment, but nothing comes out.

I don't want to think so much, I know the direction that these waters flow...

But I can't control them... I can't stop them...

I keep making these canals bigger and bigger

Am I being controlled? or am I controlling me?

When I look into this room... I don't recognize or feel connected to it.

I feel as if i weren't sitting on this chair at the moment...

I wonder if i'm living somebody else's life.

I'm currently going through a mental state that's not colorful nor reliable...

So why do you trust me the way you do?

Or is everything an act?

3ds are amazing?

I feel like i'm hurting someone really bad, maybe I am a bad person after all. Sometimes I need to stop about other people and focus on myself a little more.

Throughout my lifetime, things seem to become more unclear. I need to really learn to wipe my car window from the rain. Oh yeahhh.

I think i'm coming down with a cold. I gotta eat some ginger! My throat kind of hurts from all the running yesterday. I shouldn't have ran in those conditions (hangover,weak, and hungry).

I feel like i've always had a lonely soul, but lately my days are brighter, even during rainy days I can smile.

I feel like the past is gone, and tomorrow is a new day. I want to stop living in the future and live for today. It feels better when you don't think what's gonna happen tomorrow even thought sometimes is necessary.

I need to eat ginger... But i'm too lazy to go to look for it. Am I becoming a lazy person all of the sudden? Sometimes I feel like my runs have become harder to do. My body feels heavier. My thought feel blurrier, my dreams have become more realistic.

I need to go to a psychologist and stop looking for medics that know nothing about me. Even my family forgets about who I am sometimes.

Yesterday, I couldn't sleep, I felt lonely when I was closing my eyes. I felt alone and I was alone.

Writing out my own Revolution

So what if walls can't talk back to you?

You can punch them until you hear a reply.

So what if you aren't a good looking person?

That's what makeup is for.

So what if you cry in front of all your friends?

They'll make fun of you forever, but they are being jealous for not having balls.

So what if you aren't a texter?

Cellphones were made for talking in the first place.

So what if you don't wear matching socks?

Many socks don't even match anyways.

So what if you like to masturbate?

Even gods masturbated.

What if I told you that you are living a lie.

What if I told you that you could get a B.S in prostitution?

What if I said that the only way to live life is to run 25 miles?

What if I said that the world will annihilate us in 11 hours?

I want to see a gay president.

I want women to be equally powerful as men.

I want all the zoos and pet stores to be closed down.

I want my own revolution so that I can get shot by the government in less than 26 hours.

Floods

Hold my hand and take me to a place where I can fly
Im thinking of it right now.
See me falling over a steep hill full of traps
I'll take it by your side.
Seduction that breaks through my rocky skin
That deteriorates my needs and exemplifies my laughs...
Am i the one who is running away from it all?
Am I the one creating each and every story up?

The clock is not stopping
The hours aren't going backwards

I'm a fish a little bitch
Who ventures out and back inside
the one who makes you sleep with nicotine
the one who drains your power with evergreen substances
The sky is spinning sideways

I'm gone... I'm done.... I'm drowning

Without you i'm nothing
With you i'm nothing
With myself i'm something

Bleeding with cuts that shine through it all.
I'm the prince that heals your intuition
The water that washes away your sins
The sun that makes you dry.

The past and the kiss that's making you come faster.
Your contractions are harder and stronger
Getting closer to the end
You palpitations increase
While your pulse deteriorates
Now you fall
Into a flood.

My spring vacations begin today and all I have to say is that I haven't felt so relieved in a while. I feel like time has stopped and that everything I dream to do will be easier to accomplish.
Right now I just finished playing Persona, what a fucking great video game. My window is full of rain, and I hear water drops everywhere.
The weather news said that it was going to rain until tomorrow morning. I hope I can see the sunlight sometime soon, I kind of miss it...
There are somany things I wish I could say right now, but I'm going to keep them to myself.
There's something growing in me, and i'm not talking about the love for crepes, is something more irrational... Something that's making me feel like a better person. These past few weeks I have been socializing a lot, I haven't felt lonely for a while, except from when I think about that.
Even though I have lost something precious in my life, sadly, I have replaced it with something even better : real people.
Sometimes you need to lose something to gain something even better, it's a sad trend that I have noticed throughout my life.
Friendships are connections that are hard to keep, and most of those connections seem to disappear out my life in seconds, seconds that seem like years and years that feel like light years.
I wonder what I do wrong sometimes... Maybe it's not me and is the circumstances that don't benefit me.
Let me tell you something about myself: I never needed people, I enjoy solitude, and I find humanity too complicated and self-centered for me to even give a shit.
Fuck... Where is my watch?
It takes two to tango, and it takes one to stop.

Put me to sleep

It's been a while since I wrote anything, I know I know!
Tonight i'm writing because I can't sleep. It is currently 3:56AM and I was awakened by stress and confusion. Doesn't that sound nice?
Well what can I talk about? Im beginning to fall asleep... Holy shit...
Anyways... I was just imagining the sun.
My life revolves around the sun. I believe that it's the actual center of our universe, and our hearts.
The sun gives us courage and energy to move on. It gives life to things that can't breathe.
The sun is our source... It's what i'm missing to not fall asleep tonight.

Static

February 8, 2011 during history class

I live in the shadows,
I'm part of a whole decending equation
Can't touch what I own.
My hands are the fountains
that harm all your thoughts.
I create all the endings
You just wait 'til they come.
I confuse you until you hate me
Until you don't know me anymore.
I live in your dreams,
I'm part of a whole illusion that moves you
I'm a virus that hits you
Destroys you and hurts you
The one that puts you to bed.
The one that puts you to sleep.
Until I decide to wake you up again.

So did you make up your mind? Did I waste too much time?

(Currently listening to 3D Friends - Lina Magic)


I'm wiring today morning because I feel the need to do so!!!! I'm tired of being pushed and stepped on. I have already decided that I don't give a shit about anything that doesn't favor me.
I want to live and feel alive! Even though running does that for me... I feel I need something else, excimente, enrichment of the soul, maybe that's what I need.
What I have noticed is that men usually say "I'm going to do.... Because I am going to be..." They don't usually say "I think i'm going to... I'm going to try.... I wish i'll be able to...." Women tend to be the ones speaking that way.
Great things come from words, words helps us understand what we want and gives us the power to do what we want.
Deteriorating words only causes doubts. Sticking to it... That's what I'm going to do.
I will do it.
Another thing... I'mt ired of people telling me what to do. I don't need help, I know what i'm going to do. One thing is for me not to talk about it, and another is to say "I need advice".
I follow a path that many people won't understand. I have values that some may think is crazy but that's who I am. The only way to know is for me to explain it. And the same way i'm explaining something right here... right now... I bet that most of you will have no clue about what i'm talking about.
That's the beauty of words, I can change their meanings for future reference. I can create information with simple sentences that I understand but noone else does.
For example, the title of this blog is a sentence taken from a song, the common reader will think i'm talking about relationships or a break up.
But what that sentence is really saying is : Hey... Have you decided what you are going to do? Aren't you wasting too much time? Wake up and stop dreaming.
I'm actually talking to myself, reminding me to wake up. They aren't related to relationships or break ups althought it might look like it....
Wow... I need to lay off now.

Metal Icarus

Ice with freezing temperatures. Snow with ice on top. Cars crashing. Coldness.
Hmmm... What a day! So much ice everywhere.... I now the temperature will drop even more.
Maybe tomorrow i'll wake up to ice roads! Ha! I should just take my ice skating shoes and go travel to school like that.
Anyways, my day was pretty exciting! I ate a lot of empanadas today, I actually made them and my dear grandma cooked them. They were so deliciously crunchy and cheesyyy! It was the perfect latin American orgasm erupting on my tounge. That's how good it was!
Besides that, I studied the whole day for my macroeconomics test. I also read Latin American history and let me tell you something dear human beings... Religions are pure evil.
Why the fuck do we have to make other people believe in Christianity or whatever you belive in?
The reason why i'm saying this is because I read how the Spaniards MADE the Incan people and Mayan people believe in a god they didn't even know existed!
They were killed! If they didn't believe in Christianity. So this is religion?
If you don't do what I say then i'll brutally kill you and all your family!?
Thousand of people who later on changed to their original gods were KILLED.
Why the hell would people want to be a part of a religion that segregates people if they don't follow it?
I thank my mother for never baptizing me, or making me a part of any religion.
She always believed that a person should feed a religion to a person who has no REASON to even choose for itself. Babies can't reason, they don't know what is going on. Maybe that's why parents baptize their children when they are babies : If they do it when they are older... They'll probably say "No"?
Whatever... It just made me mad and when I get mad I like to write these things down.
Well... I'm very proud of my work until now! I need to start practicing Trigonometry as soon as possible = tomorrow.
I'm going to bed now...
Happy Chinese New Year to all the people who celebrate it!
Good night to me.

Maiden

Today I woke up at 8am to go get help for my math take home quiz. I ate and left home at 9:50am. I arrived college at 10:30am because of all the snow and the shitty roads. As soon as I arrive I see cops everywhere telling students to leave. The school was closed. I could have gotten into an accident because of this... Just to go to a closed school.
When I came back home I told my friend that we should have a PS3 partay. He came over and we played video games and spoke about life. Is nice to have good company.
Then I left to the dentist to get a stupid tiny elastic in my braket. What a hazzle.
I spent the rest of the day doing homework and reading health magazines. I enjoy reading health, running, fashion, and music magazines! I hate watching Entertainment magazines such as "US" or "OK!" Or some crap. I don't understand why people spend their time learning information that is probably not even real. I find it to be so disrespectful for the people that these companies are writing about. Who cares if stars eat like us? Dress like us? Crap like us? No wonder this culture is so ignorant, the media is advertising crap to keep us away from what really matters.
Besides me going to Barnes And Nobles for almost two hours, I went to the supermarket to buy my favorite yogurt "Siggi's Icelandic Yogurt". If you want to eat something delicious, full of goodness and protein and no bad sugar then I HIGHLY recommend this yogurt (If you are around the NY area).
I came home to find myself preparing yogurt with nuts, cranberries, and strawberries! Oh my! Today... It tasted so good... I think maybe it is because I haven't eaten Siggi's recently, or maybe my hands tasted really good today! Maybe it is because today I was in a good mood, everything seemed to taste perfectly amazing!
Also, I downloaded all of the CDS that I lost during my middle school years. I feel like crying out of happiness right now. It's amazing how I still remember the lyrics to my old Metal songs... Maybe that's why I feel so cheerful today.
I feel like I lifted 100lbs off my chest today. I feel myself again! Maybe it just takes time for you to adapt to new circumstances, and a little bit of love too :]
Let me just say one thing... "GLORY TO THE BRAVE"! Glory to me for successfuly getting out of this slump I was trapped in! My life is more important than anyone or anything, and I plan to keep it that way too.
Today is the second day of February and i'm falling asleep in my own dreams, i'm listening to "Sonata Arctica" the first Power Metal I've listened to. So many memories revive in my thoughts whenever I hear their songs.
A past unknown, and a maiden to sabotage my ideas.
A maiden who'll sabotage me.

Forbidden Lover

As the rain falls on my naked strangled body.
I laugh.
At myself for not recognizing the truth.
At the world for creating me

You are the drops that make me feel cold.
Each step I take is to get closer to you
To find you.

What do you do when the rain stops?
You aren't here anymore now I don't feel like standing.
The rays of sun begin to appear, and my whole body begins to itch.
My legs are peeling, everything feels so dry.

Take me away with you
I don't want to be here anymore.
Even if there is not turning back.
I want to climb up that impossible ladder.

"COME BACK!"
Are the words repeating inside my head.
You are a forbidden love
In a forbidden land.
Looking for my forbidden touch.

Opening my eyes I begin to realize
That it was all a dream.
It never excisted, just in my brain.
Everything about my Forbidden lover.
Was a dream within a dream.

Good Night.

Sundays are Fun

My second mom's mother taught me math today! She's a university teacher who retired early, and now she's tutoring me. I'm so happy! I finally understand my lessons!! She makes math so simple it kills me!
While I was being tutored for 2 and a half hours my mom was making Seafood Paella. HOLY SHIT!! IT WAS SO GOOD!!!! When we all ate it we simply couldn't stop!!! It's something that makes you want to keep going and going... Until you explode like a fish.
Cuando la gente habla hacerca de nosotras me enoja. Siento que me estoy escondiendo de la policia o de un ejercito de comunistas. Detesto pretender algo que no es. Si estamos empesando a conocernos de una manera mas intima, porque tenemos que ocultarlo?
Acaso es un delito? O un crimen que tiene que ser contando a un detective?
Poco a poco mi nobleza se deteriora, y cuando ese poquito que queda termine de deteriorar se acabe... Yo gritare encima de tu cara hasta que mi lengua se destruya.
Estoy arta de tus juegos, yo no me meresco esto.
I am who I am, I live how I want. Noone can change the way I think or feel.
I am the center of my universe. Only me...

Monotonous Tree

My body is cold

Not even the smallest snowflake will melt.

Walking barefoot through the

icy covered streets

I begin to bleed.

My skin nervous system malfunctions.

My eyes begin to shed tears.

The feeling of loneliness is an opened wound.

No matter how much you walk on ice,

No matter how many times you hit yourself.

You'll be the sun that shines on a glaciar planet.

No matter how hard you try to heat up its lands.

There'll always be nightime to freeze everything up again.

The intencity, the warmth,

Still makes my body bleed.

Passing by a monotonous tree,

I look at its mirror.

I see a shattered soul folded in chains.

Will I be able to walk? Even though I can't

See the chains clawing me to the floor?

As I step away from the tree my left foot breaks.

The puddle of blood surrounding me

makes the snow turn to acid.

I'm burning now.

Kneeling and screaming I am.

My nervous system begins to work again.

I start to feel the striking pain

from my broke foot.

The pain from my bleeding hands.

The weight of these chains on my body.

I'm trapped in a world with no emotions.

The acid is burning my skin.

My troat is gulping your venom

with out regret.

Your venom is sweet and warm.

Even though it's killing me inside,

Even though I'm screaming out of pain,

My body enjoys this mutilation

better than not feeling anything

At all...

(Written 1/26/2011)

In this case... It won't help.

I wonder if i'm being selfish... Probably i'm thinking too much about myself! I can't help it. Sometimes I need to do the things that I want, don't you think?
Today was a fun day because my body was killing me. I worked out for an hour, then went to meet up with my friend to eat sushi and watch a movie afterwords.
I had a very fulfilling time. I learned things about my friend and we laughed and laughed about life and its problems. I saw the movie "No Strings Attached'. It was a very funny and interesting movie. It made me tear up a little bit in the ending... Ahh man! Something I noticed is that i'm kind of similar to Adam when it comes to love. I'm too soft sometimes!
The snow is beginning to get on my nerves... I can't walk and my feet gets full of water whenever i'm running!!!! If i want to get wet or full of snow, i'm going to do it the right way: to get in the fucking snow and f swim inside a mountain of snow.
Alright dude... I'll talk ro toue larwe..

Bedroom Shadow

I'm ready to end another day. It's amazing how I can decide when to end something and when to begin another.
Today I end my hopes in humanity (Even though I already did a long time ago).
NY's snowstorm was far worse than what I thought it was going to be. The streets were filled with snow, mountains of snow. I have never seen something like this... Is scary.
Each year, winters and summers go from bad to worst... I wonder if this will be the last year of humanity. I wouldn't mind, I would actually agree!
Earth... Get rid of us. We don't deserve your resourcers, space, and genious. We believe in a God, but we want to be bigger than God. We are stupid, ignorant, and not even human.
The only human in us is our bodies. Besides that, nothing else is.
Starting with the way we think.
I have given up! I love this Earth too much, but I don't know what to do. I already tell people not to idle, but that's not going to change.
We are giving a world full of hatred, and pollution to the children that are being born now.
You want to have children so that they can solve our selfishness? Does that even make any sence?
The next generation is really going to hate us. Don't bring children into this world, they'll suffer and suffer because of our mistakes.
Let's try and do something together now!

Red sky.

(Playing Moby - Porcelain)

I can't deny the fact that today, January 26th, I decided to be a lazy bum. Yeah! You heard me! Today I changed history, I have stayed home all day doing homework, cooking, and watching movies.
Reason why? Well... I didn't have school because of a big snowstorm going in NY until NOW!
So why not have a lazy day and just chill and do nothing?
Well... There's always something negative... I saw "Social Network" and I didn't feel like going to facebook anymore. Don't ask me why, I just didn't! Don't get me wrong, I congratulate the actors for doing such a good job. Specially the Disney girl, gosh... She was hot! I always thought she was hot...
Besides me being a bum, I decided to take time and practice some trigonometry and use my skills playing in Little Big Planet.
I lost. I'm tired now good night.

Snow

I live in a dream; in my dream I am the actor, the writer, and the stage crafter.

My dream stays alive until I'm dead.

In my dreams I see people I have never seen, people I have dreamed of, people I haven't seen in years. I can also change the way they feel and fixiate their emotions so they can benefit my mood.

In my dreams I can change history, I can turn green fields into black fields, I can turn my biggest fear into water, even turn you into melancholy.

In my dreams I see hell in a display at a supermarket. I see blue skies and no rain.

If only I could apply my selfishness into this real life i'm stuck in, If only I could!

The world I live in is slowly ending. What do you do when you can't do anything at all?

I'll be very clear about this: When I see snow falling at this velocity I want to push it all back.

I don't want this to end so quickly. I don't want it to keep falling because it'll eventually cover me until I can't breathe anymore.

You are beautiful, but your coldness can kill a whole population slowly, painfully, and quietly.

When you attack, everything turns quiet, nothing moves except you.

You freeze, unfold, and expand in a matter of seconds.

That's what you do.

Hybernation.

What do you do when you can't say a word?
How do you feel when you can't even say "Hello"?
Are we all bound to fear and hate?
When I type on my computer
Everything is dark
My sources and inclinations are visible
by the light that you send me.

Why am I hurt?
When will I learn to live?
When will I learn to cry?
The night is pure again but my hands are not
I fucking hate you.
Your innocence is disgusting me.
Your voice is like lava
As soon as you touch me I melt.
Your affection gives me chills.
Your presence makes me stupid.

That's why I hate you.
That's why I can't stand you.
That's why I want to choke you.
That's why every sentence ends with you.
That's why my eyes are closed.
That's why they are waiting
Until you wake me up again.
Until you remember I exist.
What I am,
And who I am.

Awakening

I'm going to close my eyes and see my whole day fly through my head.
Waking up at 1o am. I ran downstairs to wake my mom up, my second mom was already gone, and she didn't wanna wake up.
I made myself cheddar cheese bread with yogurt. Yummm!
Then my second mom came with a bag of bagels. She ate breakfast with us tearing up a bit, her father's wake was today, it made me sad because there is really nothing I can do or say that's going to make her happier. I hope my company helped her a bit through these days of grief.
When I went to the wake ceremony I was scared to go inside... I didn't know what I was going to see, or how I was going to react, until I went in.
My second mom's father was in a beautiful wooden casket. I couldn't believe that it was an open casket ceremony. I felt like my body froze, my feelings stopped for a second, and I was in shock.
This was the first time, after I was 5 years old, that I see someone closed to me dead.
I gave my prayers to Mr. Cook and I went directlyto pay my respects to his family.
I stayed there from 2PM-4PM. More than 120 people went to see Mr. Cook, and those were the people who signed the visitor's book. It's insane how many people went to see him... He was very known in BMW.
After the first Wake Ceremony I had to leave with m mom and my neighbor.
Toobad I couldn't stay for tomorrow's Funeral... I really wish to be with mom second mom and keep her company. But I'll give out my prayers.
Restom in peace.

New Jersey 2

There are things I dislike, and things I love, for example I hate spicy food and I currently love the band Sigur Rus again.
Today I woke up feeling so refreshed. My moms were awake at 8 am so I did too... for a little bit.
I actually woke up, went to pee, and return to bed. Oh yeah... I was still tired.
Woke up at 10:20 ish, headed downstairs to find myself completely alone with my two doggies.
I made cheddar cheese seeduction bread sandwhich. With my favorite cereal 'Peace Cereal Raspberry Ginger". Fuck! That's what I call pure genius. That cereal is the best fucking thing ever, if you don't believe try it yourself.
I ate, and watched the movie "... Vicky Barcelona" I forgot the first word.
The movie is quite interesting. I will ask a girl bluntly to have a passionate night with me one day. Let's see how that works out.
Im getting used to writing in this blog every night before I go to sleep. i feel the need to do so, I want to store my memories somewhere, and that somewhere is here with you : the reader.
After all the eating, I went back to White Plains so thatI can pick up clothes for tomorrow's wake. Tomorrow will be my second mom's dad's ceremony. Im mentally preparing myself for the event of this amazing man. When I say amazing I do mean it.
Eventually, I keep learning new things about Mister Cook every time i go to visit his wife! She has so many stories to share about her marriage and husband.
Anyways, when I went to White Plains I took my running clothes out and headed for a run.
What a peaceful beautiful run I had. It was cold, but it wasn't like... "I'm dying aa aaa"
Nothing like that, my hands were cold and my feet were having a dillema... OH what alife! :D
Holy shitt i'm falling asleep. I once again need boobies on my face,
I have an statement to make... Best way to go to sleep :Watch ponrnn pornnn pornnn
Porn before going to bed = heaven on a pussy platter.
Alright I'm buzzed.
One last thing I wanted to mention.... Kinchleys pizza tonight was fuckign phenomenal. It was like orgasmic food. Specially that pizza with mushrooms omg... Fuck fuck fuck! I want some more.
Take me like an animal and lock me in,
Lock me n with a lion because I wanna feel the excitement and the way he tares me apart.

Weekend

I haven't dream for a while.
Whenever I wake up I don't even have a second to think or react about what's going on or how I feel. I simply react, shake my head, stand up, and start the day. I don't even think twice, or see what's around me. I wonder if everybody does this? Waking up in despair, what a great way to start another day in this wonderful planet I live in.
I'm currently listening to a song that I play whenever I feel lost and small.
It reminds me of my younger days, of my pain, and my brighter beginnings.
Everyday now seems the same to me. I wake up, eat, go to school, come home, eat, exercise, eat, sleep.
I want to add more things into my daily life. I want exciment. I want to do things I haven't done before. I want to meet people, I want people to meet me, I want to make new friends and I want those relationships to grow. Why can't I do this?
My eyes are closing, i'm tired. But I guess that it is better to write before you go to sleep (Pure thoughts).
Today, I went to see my second mom's mom, and she was looking better than I expected. I talked to her, talked to the family and played with the dogs. For some reason, that big house seemed alive and empty. When I turned to see outside the window, an imagine of my second mom's father came into my mind. I saw him sitting there, with his dog on his lap. Now that chair seems cold and empty. It made me sad.
The wake is this Sunday, and the Funeral will be Monday. I wish I can attend both of them, but I need to go to school. It sounds so selfish, but I can't accomplish what I need if I miss school.
I want to thank you, for all the people you have created, for all the people you've made happy. I wish I could have met you in a difference circumstance; but it's impossible now, until we meet again.
I need to lay down... ~
This bed, so many memories, I hate to say this but I feel lonely in such a big bed. I don't know why I keep having mixed feelings. It feels like i'm living a dream where I create memories of something that's not currently true.
In my dream, I make things better, I make my imagination create mementos of happiness. Memories that make me feel alive, remembrances that take me into another dimension.
They are not real. This is not real. So why do I keep replaying the past?
I wanna wait, I feel something good will come out of this dream if I keep waiting.
Still, everything has changed. I feel lonely... Because I am currently lonely.
WE have everything, we wish for everything, and when we do we feel we have nothing.
Oh... I just fell asleep. Hmm... Why the hell am I writing what is passsing through my head? Maybe i'm just special like that.
Fell asleep again... I do think I need to sleep now.
Just one more thing before I go to sleep....
Remember how I said I was tired? Well... I'm currently tired. I was not tired before thanks to the best fucking sushi I've ever eaten, Nagoya... What an amazing place. I ate sushi with sweet potato inside... I thought ita was the weirdest thing ever, but when I put that sushi in my mouth... I felt like life was woth it, Those are the things in life that make you smile.
Whenever I run and I see a runner recognizing me and saying" hi" ! Or going to class to be welcomed by happy people. Coming home, enjoying the sunset after the storm has stopped.
These are things that make me want to go on the next day.
And the biggest reason, is my family.
Good night.

Dreams

If I knew I wasn't going to see her tomorrow...
I would not have slept that night.
I wouldn't have stopped holding her hand all day long.
I wouldn't have stopped kissing her.
I would not have cried.
I would not have helped her leave.
I wouldn't have walked away.
I wouldn't...